Is It Self-Care or Avoidance? Recognizing the Difference

12 January 2025

Let’s be real—self-care has become a bit of a buzzword, hasn’t it? These days, everyone seems to be throwing around the term like confetti at a party. “Take a bubble bath, light a candle, grab a glass of wine—it’s self-care!” But here’s the thing: not all actions disguised as self-care are actually good for you in the long run. Sometimes, what we call “self-care" is actually avoidance in disguise—like putting a Band-Aid on a wound that needs stitches.

So, how do we tell the difference? Is it self-care or avoidance? Let’s peel back the layers, dive deep, and figure out how to recognize what’s genuinely helping you versus what’s keeping you stuck.

What Actually Is Self-Care?

Before we get into the nitty-gritty of avoidance, we need to clarify what self-care truly is. Self-care is anything you do deliberately to protect or improve your physical, mental, or emotional well-being. It’s about showing up for yourself in a way that feels nurturing.

But here’s the kicker—it’s not always glamorous. Sure, sometimes it’s sipping tea while journaling, but other times, it’s getting up early to exercise when you’d rather stay cozied up in bed. It could be tackling a tough conversation you’ve been dreading or booking that overdue doctor’s appointment. Self-care, more often than not, involves doing what’s good for you even when it’s not easy.

Think of it this way: if your life were a garden, self-care would be watering your plants, pulling out weeds, and making sure they get enough sunlight. It’s not just about enjoying the flowers—it’s about doing the work to keep them thriving.

What Does Avoidance Look Like?

Avoidance, on the other hand, is the sneaky cousin of self-care. It often masks itself as something comforting or relaxing, but its real function is to help you dodge uncomfortable emotions, situations, or responsibilities. While it feels good in the moment, avoidance usually comes at a cost later—whether it’s more stress, more guilt, or a mountain of issues that didn’t vanish just because you ignored them.

Let’s break it down with a few examples. Avoidance might look like:
- Binge-watching your favorite show for hours when you have a pile of work waiting for you.
- Taking a “mental health day” (but doing it so often that it disrupts your job or obligations).
- Spending money on things you don’t need to distract yourself from feeling anxious or sad.
- Constantly putting off tasks or conversations that need to happen.

See the pattern? Avoidance often leaves you feeling worse afterward, not better. It’s the equivalent of sticking your head in the sand while your problems keep piling up behind you.

The Fine Line Between Self-Care and Avoidance

Now here’s where it gets tricky. At first glance, self-care and avoidance can look very similar. After all, both might involve stepping back from stress or doing something that feels good. How do you figure out which one you’re actually doing?

Here are a few ways to tell if it’s self-care or avoidance:

1. Check Your Intentions

Ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?” Are you taking a break to recharge so you can come back stronger, or are you using this activity as a way to avoid something you don’t want to deal with?

For example, taking a nap because you’re genuinely exhausted = self-care. Taking a nap to avoid dealing with a stressful project = avoidance. Your intentions matter!

2. Consider the Outcome

Does the action leave you feeling recharged, empowered, or better equipped to handle life? That’s self-care. If it leaves you feeling guilty, anxious, or more overwhelmed after the fact, it’s likely avoidance. Self-care should make your life easier in the long run, not harder.

3. Look at the Frequency

Let’s be honest: everyone uses avoidance every now and then. It’s human nature. The real problem arises when avoidance becomes a pattern. Are you “treating yourself” to distractions so often that you’re neglecting your responsibilities? If so, it’s time to reassess.

4. Is It Adding Value to Your Life?

Self-care adds value. It gives you tools to cope, heal, and grow. Avoidance, on the other hand, takes time and energy without giving back. If you find yourself stuck in the same cycle of stress or unhappiness, it could be a sign that what you thought was self-care is actually avoidance.

When Self-Care Feels Like Avoidance

Sometimes self-care can feel a bit like avoidance, especially when it involves stepping back from something stressful. Let’s say you’ve had a rough week, and the thought of facing your to-do list feels overwhelming. Deciding to take a night off to rest and recharge might seem like you’re “avoiding,” but in reality, it’s self-care if it helps you come back stronger.

The difference? You’re taking intentional action to care for yourself, not running away from your problems indefinitely.

How to Strike a Balance

Finding the sweet spot between self-care and avoidance is all about balance. Here are some tips to help you stay on track:

1. Prioritize What Truly Matters

It’s easy to get caught up in the noise of life, but self-care is about focusing on what truly matters to you—your health, your relationships, your goals. Before you make a choice, ask yourself: “Is this helping me get closer to the life I want?”

2. Schedule Downtime

The best way to avoid falling into the trap of avoidance is to plan your downtime. If you know you’ve set aside Saturday afternoon for relaxation, you’re less likely to feel guilty about it or use it as an excuse to procrastinate.

3. Set Boundaries

Self-care often involves saying “no” to things that drain you. But remember: boundaries exist to protect your energy, not to avoid responsibility. Be honest with yourself—are your boundaries healthy, or are they giving you an out?

4. Stay Mindful

Pay attention to how your choices make you feel. If something consistently leaves you feeling worse, it’s a sign that it’s not true self-care.

Examples of Self-Care Versus Avoidance

Let’s finish up with a few examples to drive the point home:

- Self-Care: Journaling to process your emotions.
Avoidance: Scrolling through social media to avoid thinking about your emotions.

- Self-Care: Skipping a night out because you need rest.
Avoidance: Skipping a night out every time because you’re scared of social interaction.

- Self-Care: Taking a walk to clear your head.
Avoidance: Taking a walk to delay an important task.

Final Thoughts

At the end of the day, self-care is about showing up for yourself in a way that supports your well-being, even if it’s not the easiest or most comfortable choice. Avoidance, while tempting, usually takes you further away from what you truly need. The key is to stay honest with yourself—about your intentions, your feelings, and your goals.

Next time you’re in a situation where you’re not sure if it’s self-care or avoidance, just ask yourself: “Is this helping me grow, or is it holding me back?” Your future self will thank you for the answer.